Where You Feel Most Alive

Michaila Matthews 26'

Rain seemed to be a solace.

Heaps of rain pelted the window above the sink. I leaned on the sleek marble counter. The steel appliances were spotless. Utensils were neatly dried and tucked into a drawer by the figure in front of me. The clouded skies built a gloomy and somber ambiance. Yet, the overhead bronze light brought some warmth back. The constant patter sounded. Raindrops dashed down the clear glass. Murky puddles formed. I wanted the distractions to work. Anything to lose awareness of my surroundings. To help me ignore the voice that sought to control everything about me. I wanted it to work. 

“Why must everything be a struggle with you? I said no.” 

“Do you ever stop and think about how I feel—?!” I questioned under my breath. She ripped off her gloves, leaving dishes half-done and abandoned. She turned her gaze. Her solemn face pierced right through me.

“I know what is best for you. You’re improving— I can’t just stand by and allow you to risk your health.” Her eyebrows furrowed. “I get it. I know you just want some time together. But— being medically cleared doesn’t always mean you’re ready— even your father would agree…” Lips downturned. “We just.. we want you to be safe.”

A grumble came from within. “I’m not fragile.” I snapped. “I swear… that’s all you see when you look at me. Fragile, like I haven’t been back at school, handling everything just fine!? But, one night out! That’s where you draw the line!” I pushed off the counter. The chair leg scraped the floor. 

“Vivian!” I ignored her desperate protests. Jaw clenched, as I pushed the dark hair in front of my face back. I stormed up the hardwood steps, gripping the railing tightly. Frustration soon turned to distress. Each step creaked slowly down the corridor. I stared intently at the cream door leading to my room. A faint, warm lamp in the corner lightened the space. I sighed. Dragging my feet past my cluttered dresser, piles of astronomy books, and millions of items from various hobbies I considered picking up. Observing the heavy rain, there was a sense of confinement about this place. The walls could close in at any point. Sheer curtains over my bed framed the window. A glimpse of the empty driveway and street. The vibrant garden asters holding on for dear life. This house strangled me. My eyes swiftly wandered around my untidy room— first to my headphones, an old camera, and eventually my phone. Perhaps it would help center my scattered thoughts. I grabbed, unlocked, and scrolled through the many unread messages, some of which were in a group chat. 

Damn it. Vi, I forgot to give you the notes for last week’s class. I’ll send them to you.

I scanned the texts for the supposed images and notes. Rows of bubbles. Stupid messages, group chat banter, and chaos from other members of the group. I wrote a simple Thanks and waited.

Then an immediate reply. Don’t worry, it’s the least I could do. You missed a few days, and I figured you’d need them. Your girlfriend was gonna bring them in person, but Evie reminded me. Guess I beat her to it.

I replied briefly with another message and then placed the phone down on my bedside table. I eyed a written list on the same surface, the lined paper creased into fourths. I leaned back against the headboard, my short hair resting on the bed. A collage of photos caught my eye and hung over my desk.

I’ve known them for ages. Since basically middle school. They were like my second family. The embodiment of shared experiences, laughter, unique personalities, and unwavering support. Even despite my sudden diagnosis. One day I was a normal kid, the next I had to spend several weeks in the hospital. Acute lymphoblastic leukemia the doctor stated. My parents were distraught and seemed like their hearts were gutted helplessly from their chests. They were stressed over their only child. But my friends. They’ve been there through it all. We’ve all stayed quite close. Sometimes I had tough days. But they were always there to keep me company. To be those positive lights. To not treat me like I was some object too scared to touch or break.

A humming sound came from my nightstand, followed by another. It snapped my eyes away from the wall and back to my device. The name ‘Rei’ appeared as clear as day. I’ll never forget the day I met her. I had a routine check-up, and we bumped into each other—literally bumped into each other. She apologized profusely. She’d been visiting a sick family member, her grandma, who had demanded she have her favorite drink all the way in a separate ward. It was strange to think about. But then we started talking. It turns out we went to the same school. She truly was a light. Helped me get out of my depressive state a few months ago. Perhaps we didn’t meet by accident. I bit the side of my lip; this was not a smart idea. Then swallowed hard. Reading the message.

You said you wanted to go out tonight. I’m outside. Oh, I have your schoolwork.

She truly was the spontaneous type. It was impulsive or maybe reckless. She’d always urged me to tag along on her little adventures. I really shouldn’t go. Maybe it was the fear that— that my parents were right. That I should stay in my protective bubble. I’ve never really been outside of it. I knew this. Fatigue, infections, easy bleeding, and bruising. Everything they’d warned me about. What would they think or do? My eyebrows scrunched together. I wanted to. Wanted to despite the fears. I peered out the window. The rain gradually became a light drizzle. I spotted a dark blue car’s headlights. Then I looked down at my phone once again. 

My thin line turned into a soft smile, then it widened so much that my cheeks began to hurt. I hurriedly grabbed a sweater from my closet and hastily shoved it over my head. My breaths turned shallow until I remembered to slow down. I searched for any cross-bag that I could fit my phone and house keys into. Then carefully left down the stairs, hoping not to alert my parents. Once safe I slipped on my shoes at the front door and left into the rainy night.

“So,” she began as I settled into the passenger seat. “What do you want to do?” She announced. I hesitated to respond. “Your call. Really, it can be anything. I promise I’ll take you.” Her finger tapped the wheel. “Movie? Midnight karaoke? A long walk after the rain settles?”

“What was the next thing on your lis—”

“Stargazing,” I admitted. “Although, it might be too cloudy.” 

“Let’s do it anyway. I have a spot in mind. Hold tight— it’s a bit of a drive, but trust me. It’s worth it.” She grinned and took off. The surrounding trees and buildings passed quickly out of sight. Raindrops struck the car’s side mirrors and windows. It scrambled with speed. For some reason, driving had calmed me. But it also left me in my thoughts. What would they do in response to my resistance? The arguments were never good. I understand where she’s coming from. There was a chance I’d be healthier if I stayed in. The thought made me hesitate and almost ask Rei to turn back around and take me home. The wipers desperately removed the water that continued to come down. Streetlights brightened the shadowy roads, and oncoming cars blinded my eyes as they passed. She drove for what seemed like hours. The rain soon subsided, and the sky became clear and cloudless. But, the chance to be free. Experience something truly different and out of the ordinary.

As we drove, the closest structure vanished into the horizon. I could finally let go. The deluge had left only droplets that could be wiped away. The remote location must have been miles away from home and the nearest main road. Nature circled the open grassy field. As soon as I opened the door and placed one foot outside the car, the cool air hit me. Rei’s door shut with a slam as she rushed to grab items from her trunk. She fetched a blanket and flashlight before strolling over and draping the fluffy material over me. Then, she gestured towards the top of her car.

I climbed up and sat down, gazing at the sunless sky. My feet dangled over the car window as she followed. We stared at the night in search of faint specks, my eyes slowly adjusting to the darkness. A crescent moon appeared, and finally, hints of white stars as I squinted my eyes. I watched under the inky sky as they gleamed and flickered. Pointing out constellations and recognizable patterns. Named each of the ones I could see. Everything was noticeable away from suburban lights. All feelings of apprehension flushed away. It was comforting. Fulfilling. A shooting star curved across the sky and burned off into the distance. Then my sounded, forcing my eyes away from the darkness.

A message. Where are you and who are you with? Is it Rei? I don’t appreciate your choices right now. Come home now, we need to talk.

I disregarded the determined messages, dragging my eyes back to the night. Is this what it means to live? The stars were so vast and yet also so far away. I never wanted to spend all of my time worried or stuck in a hospital. I’d rather go out and make the most of my life, no matter how long it would last. Rei always aspired to embrace every moment, pursue her passions, and have no regrets— No “What Ifs.” I sought to embody that. The discovery of beauty, freedom, and hope. What was I willing to give up to get the experiences I wanted? Did I actually care about the risks? Sickness seemed like a boundary, but what if it was something I could work around? All I’ve wanted to do is pursue what I like and spend time with those I care about. I’ve never wanted to miss out on what the world has to offer. These little moments. I gazed at the stars, pleased, as warmth and assurance washed over me. My mind continued to wander until a nudge on my shoulder drew me back to reality.

“Thank you, Rei.” I paused. “I’ll remember this forever.” I turned to her with a warm grin on my face. She had been staring as if a million galaxies were on my face, and like she wanted to memorize every star within. I’d found something in that deserted field. Something inside to reach and strive for. New wishes and desires.